


Flower Petal Wishes

by SleeplessNightWithPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Bad Parenting, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 04:09:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8650795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessNightWithPhan/pseuds/SleeplessNightWithPhan
Summary: He loves me not. He loves me not. He loves me not.Dan has convinced himself that he is worthless, a complete failure, unlovable. He doesn’t understand why this dark haired man is even interested in him. Why he would ever waste his time on him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t help but feel like this entire thing is just me translating expressions from Dutch into English. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

Dan really didn’t like going to nightclubs. The music was too loud (and usually very bad), there were too many people in the same room and drinks were horribly overpriced.

He especially didn’t like going alone, as he was too shy and insecure to talk to people he didn’t know, and he always looked down on the guys sitting at the bar on their own, downing one drink after the other.

But right now, Dan didn’t mind any of it. He just wanted to get drunk and forget about everything for a while, to feel better for just a few hours (the hangover he would surely have the next morning was something his future self would have to deal with).

_We tried to give you everything we could, and this is how you’re thanking us? Dropping out of university because you’re ‘unhappy’?  How dare you disappoint your family like that? And here we were thinking that our son could actually turn out not to be worthless after all. But no, you couldn’t just give us that much, could you? You’re a disgrace to us all!_

The empty glass in front of him got filled once again.

_Are you absolutely sure about that? Maybe you should try going on a date with Mrs. Wheeler’s daughter._ _I’m sure she’ll convince you that you do like girls. It’s probably just a phase anyway. You’re too young to start saying things like that. Just try to be normal for once._

His mind started to get a bit foggy.

_You’ve got no future ahead of you at all, and it’s all your own fault! You just ruin everything in your life! Your mum and have had enough of you taking advantage of us!  Don’t you dare come back until you stop being such a lazy waste of oxygen!_

While the alcohol was surely helping a little, it didn’t do enough in order to make Dan forget about everything that has happened to him in the last year. That would require a lot more of it, and working a minimum wage job, Dan simply didn’t have any money to buy that much. Maybe he should’ve just bought a bottle of vodka somewhere and drank it at home. That would’ve been a lot cheaper (and more effective).

Dan was about to get up and leave, when a guy sat down next to him. Tall, black hair, pale skin, Dan was blown away by his beauty.  

“Hello, I couldn’t help but see you were sitting out here all on your own. Would you let me buy you a drink?” The man spoke with a deep voice, and Dan was a goner.

*********

He doesn’t quite know how he got there. One moment he was sitting at the bar, drinking the cocktail the dark-haired man bought for him and being flirted with.

Now he’s being pinned to said man’s bed, who was tracing kisses down his neck and slowly grinding into him.

He wasn’t one to go home with people like that. Hell, the last time he got close to getting laid was more than a year ago, before he messed up his life. But with a little encouragement from the alcohol that was coursing through his veins and the loneliness that was slowly consuming him, the guy (who he found out was called Phil) managed to take him home with him.

Phil briefly detached from Dan’s neck (which was surely going to be covered in blues and purples tomorrow) in order to take his shirt off, throwing it onto the floor. Dan pulled his of as well, but couldn’t help wanting to cover up his chest. He felt vulnerable, insecure, not good enough to be looked at.

He saw the way Phil’s eyes were roaming his body. “You’re so beautiful Dan, you know that?” Phil leaned over to whisper into Dan’s ear, before nibbling just below it.  

_No, I’m not. I can’t be. I’m a failure. I’m not good enough. I never was. Never will be._

But then Phil started grinding into him again and unbuttoning his trousers, and Dan was too far gone to actually say anything anymore. His mind went blissfully blank, and the only thing he could do was moan and shout Phil’s name.

Afterwards, when they were both completely spent, Phil cuddled up to Dan, putting his arm around his waist and laying his head on Dan’s chest. It wasn’t long before Dan could here soft snores coming from the other man, and the sound was slowly lulling him to sleep.

And for a minute, Dan actually felt safe and protected, he felt warm. He felt loved.

But then he remembered how Phil probably would want him gone first thing in the morning, and he would never see him again. How he was probably nothing more to him than just a sad, pitiful guy who was willing to have sex with him. Just somebody to use for the night and throw aside afterwards.

The last thing that went through his head before he succumbed to sleep was how he managed to mess everything up once again.

How nobody could ever care for him.

How nobody could ever love him.

*********

When Dan awoke the next morning, it wasn’t to the annoying beeping of his alarm, but to light shining onto his face. He opened his eyes, only to be met with the sight of a brightly coloured bedroom. Not his own bedroom.  

He slowly started to remember what happened the night before. The club he went to, the man he went home with, the man that told him he was beautiful.

The same man that was still lying next to him, sleeping peacefully. His black hair fell across his eyes, and Dan couldn’t help but stare for a bit longer. The man was truly a work of art.

But Dan knew he couldn’t stay until Phil woke up, no matter how much he wanted to look at his face for a bit longer. It would only be awkward; Phil would probably want him gone as soon as possible. He had gotten what he wanted from Dan, there was no reason to keep him around at all.

So Dan got out of the bed as quietly as he could, collected his clothes and went to look for the bathroom. He got dressed and tried to sort his hair out (stupid curls) before he began his journey back to his apartment.

What he wasn’t expecting is Phil standing in front of the bathroom door, looking al bleary-eyed and dressed in just his boxer shorts.

“You’re sneaking out, aren’t you?” Dan thought he heard disappointment in his voice, but he quickly pushed away that thought. It was impossible.

“Well, yes.” Dan admitted. “I was trying to save you from having to kick me out, so I decided to just get back to my place as soon as possible. And I have to work in a few hours anyway.”

Phil looked at Dan for a while, before answering. “I wasn’t going to kick you out, if that’s what you were thinking. If anything, I was going to ask you for your number, maybe take you out for a coffee. But I’m not going to stop you from leaving, if that’s what you really want.”

Dan didn’t know what to say. Why would this beautiful man want to waste any more of his time on Dan? Was this a joke or something?

“So… are you leaving? Or do you want to stay for a bit longer?” Phil sounded hopeful.

“I’m going to leave now, I think. Work and all of that.” Dan said as he walked past Phil, refusing to meet his eyes.

He was almost at the door, when he changed his mind. If Phil wanted to spend time with Dan, why couldn’t he just enjoy it while it lasted? If that meant that he got to see the guy a few times before he inevitably got tired of him.

“But maybe I should just give you my number.” he said while turning back to face Phil. “Going for coffee does sound pretty good to be honest.”

*********

_You think I actually care for you? Why would you ever think you were good enough for me? You’re just a stupid little boy who can’t ever do anything right. Your parents were right in kicking you out. You probably were nothing but a burden to them. You’ll never accomplish anything in life._

_Why do you think I haven’t made us official yet? Because I don’t want to, that’s why. All you were to me is some distraction that I could just throw away when I got bored with it. Nothing more. Never was, never will be._

Dan woke up screaming and bathing in sweat. It was quite common for him to have nightmares, but it usually only involved his parents screaming at him. This was the first time Phil had appeared in one of these.

The two of them had been going out for a few months now, and Dan was falling head over heels for the older man.

He loved Phil’s eyes, and how he could drown in those blue depths. He loved Phil’s black hair, his beautiful pale skin, his strong arms, his smile that could light up the entire world and make Dan’s stomach fill up with butterflies.

He loved the random animal facts that he somehow managed to incorporate into every conversation they ever had. He loved how Phil was equally as obsessed with anime as he was, how he liked to sing along to Muse just as loudly. How he seemed so young at heart and careless, even though he was getting close to being 30.

But he also adored how Phil could go from cute quirky nerd to sexy hunk in the blink of an eye. How his pale torso was covered in little moles and freckles. How his kissed always left Dan wanting more and more. How his hands felt when they were roaming over Dan’s body. How safe Dan felt when Phil was holding him in his arms.

In short, he loved Phil.

Dan was happier than he had been in a long time, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Phil would eventually get bored with him. That he wasn’t good enough for him. The fact that Phil has never shown any interest in making things between them official, wasn’t helping.

And after the dream he just had, his mind wouldn’t allow him to stop believing that he was worthless.

Dan didn’t sleep anymore that night. He just laid in his bed, hugging his knees to his chest and crying until there were no more tears to be shed.

*********

“You look tired, is something wrong?”

Dan and Phil were walking through the park. After the nightmare he had last night, he needed to get out for a bit, clear his mind, but since he was supposed to meet with Phil, he didn’t want to cancel on him. He didn’t want to give him a reason to leave him. Because even though Dan didn’t feel like he deserved Phil, he was still falling in love with him. So he decided to call Phil and ask him to go for a walk instead of going to the cinema (as they originally intended).

“I just didn’t sleep well last night. A lot of things on my mind.” Dan answered quietly, hoping that Phil would leave it be. But of course he didn’t.

“What’s bothering you, then? You know you can tell me right? I’m right here for you.” Phil took Dan’s hand in his as he spoke, but Dan just couldn’t handle it anymore.

“I shouldn’t be able to!” he started screaming at Phil, pulling his hand away from his, before breaking down. His eyes filled with tears and he had to sit down on a bench. Phil sat down next to him, albeit a bit further than he would normally sit.

“I s-shouldn’t be able to. You’re so p-perfect, and you de-deserve so much more than me. I j-just don’t get why you ha-haven’t pushed me aside yet. I’m only holding you down.” He stuttered, hoping that Phil would be able to understand him through all his tears.

“Dan, Dan. Why would you even think that? Who told you you’re not good enough? Who has been making you feel that way?” Phil put his hand on Dan’s thigh, trying to console him.

“Everybody. My parents, my family, my teachers. I was never good enough. And I’ve done nothing but proving them right; I dropped out of university, I’ve been fired from so many jobs. My life is a complete mess, and I can’t do anything but fail.”

People who were walking by had been staring at the two of them, but Dan couldn’t care any less.

“Then they’re all wrong You might have made some mistakes, but that’s normal. Everybody does that. And you’re not worthless. I care for you, so much. I was actually planning on asking you to be my boyfriend today, but we’ll get to that later. For now, why don’t we just go over to my place, ok? I’ll order us some pizza and we can watch a movie together. How does that sound?” Phil asked while standing up and offering Dan his hand.

“That sounds good” Dan said, before taking Phil’s hand and continuing their walk. They only let go of each other when Phil had to open the door to his apartment.  

*********

Like he promised, Phil ordered two pizzas for them, and made Dan a cup of tea while they were waiting for the food to arrive. After dinner, they cuddled up onto the couch to watch the first Lord Of The Rings movie.

But Dan wasn’t really paying attention to the TV at all. He kept replaying their conversation in the park.

_I was actually planning on asking you to be my boyfriend today, but we’ll get to that later._

Had Phil really been serious about that? Or did he just say that in order to calm Dan down, to get him to come home with him? If Phil was just messing with him, it would be better to know now instead of  finding out after another few months. His heart wouldn’t be able to take that.

“Were you serious about wanting me to be your boyfriend?” Dan suddenly felt brave enough to ask.

Phil seemed a taken aback by the question. He looked at Dan with confusion, who was just looking back at him with determination in his eyes. But then he started smiling.

“I’m always serious when it comes to you.” He said while pausing the movie and turning to face Dan. He took a deep breath before continuing.

“That first night I saw you, when I came to talk to you, I was fully prepared to be rejected. I thought that there was no way a beautiful guy like that would be single, or even into guys. I couldn’t believe my luck when you actually came home with me. Not that that is something I did a lot, by the way. Taking strangers home with me. But you were too good to resist. The next day when you gave me your number, I thought I was still dreaming. I actually pinched myself a few times after you left to be sure I was awake.” Phil had taken hold of Dan’s hand, and was tracing his thumb over the back of them.

“I know it’s quite late to ask you to be my boyfriend. I have been trying to figure out how to ask you for more than a month now, but I couldn’t think of anything good enough for you. I wanted to show you how high I think of you. How much I love you. I know you’ve convinced yourself that you’re worthless, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Your parents were wrong. You are so perfect to me, and I’m lucky to have you in my life, in whatever way you will allow me.”

Dan couldn’t help but start smiling. He was looking into Phil’s eyes while he was delivering his speech, and he saw nothing but honesty in them. They were filled with pure adoration and love, and even though Dan didn’t quite understand why yet, he believed that Phil loved him. And even Dan wasn’t big enough of a fool to run away from love.

“I think I would like to be your boyfriend then. If the offer still stands, that is.” He said shyly, and the smile that lit up Phil’s face at those words made Dan’s heart do a somersault.  

*********

Dan wasn’t magically cured after that. He still felt very insecure at times.

Some nights, he didn’t want Phil to touch him, to look at him, because he was feeling particularly bad that day. He still sometimes felt like Phil was wasting his time on him, because he could do so much better.

He still sometimes had nightmares about his parents, how they were telling him how useless he was. He would wake up screaming and sweating, but Phil was always right there to assure him that those were all lies. Even if that meant being called in the middle of the night. He would always make his way to Dan’s apartment and hold him close until he fell back asleep.

Dan wasn’t magically cured. It was more of a slow process.

But there was still process. The days that Dan did feel good enough, slowly but surely started to outnumber the days he didn’t. The nightmares became less and less frequent, and nearly stopped when Dan and Phil moved in together a year later.

Every day, Phil would do something to show Dan how much he loved him. Send him a cute text in the morning, make his favourite dish for dinner, cuddle up with him on the sofa to watch his favourite movie, kiss him on the forehead  right before Dan fell asleep.

It was through little gestures like that that Phil helped Dan get more confident, helped him get better.

And when one day, Phil asked Dan to marry him, there was no doubt in his mind about his answer. Because Phil managed to make Dan feel like he was special. Like he was blessed by every deity that existed. Like he was loved.

And Dan finally believed that that was actually possible.

**Author's Note:**

> I've also got a Tumblr over [here](http://sleeplessnightwithphan.tumblr.com) :)


End file.
